


'Cause I learned all my lessons that way

by Winter_Oswin



Series: Spiders, Death and Roadtrips [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (Movieverse), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Artist Steve Rogers, Awesome Michelle Jones, BAMF Gwen Stacy, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool being Deadpool, Death is a bitch, Everyone Is Gay, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra Peter Parker, Lesbian Michelle Jones, M/M, Michelle Jones Is a Good Bro, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, Michelle Jones is a Little Shit, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Parent Tony Stark, Past Brainwashing, Past Character Death, Past Torture, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Peter Parker is a Mess, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Steve, Protective Tony Stark, Protective Wade Wilson, Recovery, Revenge, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Wade Wilson Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winter_Oswin/pseuds/Winter_Oswin
Summary: And this millstone is heavy as hellAnd I can't see so wellAnd I still feel the swellAnd my hands and my feet are expelledBetter dead than in hellAnd again with the swellI bank on the funeral'Cause the truth is alive; it's okay~Three months ago Peter had died. His best friend had killed him and he had bleed out in Wade's arms. Peter doesn't know that, though.Three months ago Wade sold himself to Death in exchange for Peter's soul. Ever since then Peter is a little bit dead inside. Wade doesn't know that, though.Afterwards, all that the two want is to be together and have a somewhat normal life, or as normal as life can be when it includes, Superheroes, Nazis and personified Death. But they can't hide from the truth, not forever. They don't know that, though.
Relationships: Death (Marvel)/Wade Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Spiders, Death and Roadtrips [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731670
Comments: 35
Kudos: 95





	1. The one where we catch up

"Okay, just sit there and smoke and look beautiful yet unbothered.", MJ smirked before getting to work on her canvas. 

"Nothing easier than that.", Peter said sarcastically before leaning back in his chair and taking a drag of his cigarette. 

It was a little drafty in Steve's studio but Peter didn't feel the cold anymore. Still, he wondered if it had been a bad idea to let MJ paint him shirtless for her art school portfolio. He never knew how to say no to her, so there they were, in Steve's studio in the Avengers tower.

Steve Rogers was a painter. Peter didn't know why he had been surprised. Steve was a fucking person, of course he had interests outside of being Captain America and Tony Stark's boyfriend. Still, when Peter stumbled upon the studio a month ago, he was baffled. 

Thing was, he didn't consider Steve as bland or one dimensional but he didn't know him that well either. Thus far Steve had only really been an extension of Peter's father. That might be an unfair assessment but what was Peter supposed to say? He only really managed to build a meaningful connection with one person at a time and it just hadn't been Steve's turn yet.

Still, when he saw Steve's paintings, huge canvases that showed brutal, abstract and emotional motives, he had been surprised. He hadn't known that Steve had it in him. 

He was also very cool when it came to letting Peter hang out in his studio. Peter wasn't artistically gifted at all but he did like looking at Steve's paintings. They made him feel, which got harder and harder these days. Steve never seemed bothered when Peter would just sit in his studio and watch him work. 

He also said yes to letting MJ paint there when she came over to visit. 

It took a week of begging and another week of extensive background checks but Tony eventually allowed MJ to come over to Avengers tower for a month. She was still in the middle of her gap year and together they managed to convince Karen that visiting New York and looking at some possible colleges there was beneficial.

Peter hadn't even realized how much he had missed MJ until she stood before him. They had texted a lot since Peter left to go home. He had mostly caught her up on who he was and what was going on in his life in that time but they hadn't seen each other at all. Now she was in a room with him again and Peter felt alive. Something Peter was having trouble with these days.

MJ handled Peter's family pretty well, she was more put off by Tony's excessive displays of wealth than the fact that they were Avengers and after a house tour and after MJ got all of her anti-capitalism comments out, she had settled in. 

Having MJ around was great. Peter had feared that their dynamic would change now that she knew who he was but it stayed just as natural and effortless as before.

In fact it had been so easy-going that Peter didn't think twice about taking his shirt off. Sure, it should've bothered him more. He usually hated people seeing his body but lately Peter didn't care. 

That had been a reappearing theme as of late. Peter just didn't care anymore. Not in general, not in a drugged-up-psychopath-way. Peter still cared about big things. He was still worried. 

He was worried about Gwen and why she still didn't want to see him after 3 months of separation. 

He was worried about his father and Steve who had returned to their jobs as Avengers and were now called away to earth threatening catastrophes every couple of weeks. 

He was worried about Bucky who had gone off to some secret mission that Peter wasn't allowed to know about. 

And he was worried about Wade who was now, technically his boyfriend even though they hadn't talked about that yet, and how Wade had chosen to move back into his own apartment, putting more distance between him and Peter. 

Peter still cared about those things. He just didn't care about what happened to him anymore. Not in the way he used to. He didn't know where this newfound apathy came from, only that it had been there since the last HYDRA incident. He maybe should've mentioned it to his family but Peter wasn't exactly bothered by a lack of fear. Not caring was easier, so he kept it to himself. 

"You're the pastiest boy, I need so much white for your complexion.", MJ remarked, pulling Peter back into the present. "Do you even go outside? You weren't this pale when we last saw each other."

"Yeah but that was 3 months ago. 3 months that I spend in cold-ass New York instead of Malibu. ", Peter pointed out. Tony and Steve asked if he was okay with staying in New York for now. Peter knew that it made their jobs as Avengers easier, this way they were much closer to the rest of the team, so Peter said yes. He didn't really mind the city as much as he used to, anyways, even though he still preferred Malibu. The main things that had bothered him were the cold weather and the many people but those didn't effect him much anymore.

"So, am I going to meet your man on this trip? I wanna check out if he's actually as great as you make him seem, which is pretty unlikely.", MJ asked with a cheeky grin after a while. He had told her a lot about Wade in the past few weeks and vice versa but the two had never met before. 

"You most definitely will. In fact once your finished we could go out, stop by at his place?", Peter suggested.

"Sounds like a plan. Did you have the boyfriends talk, yet?", MJ asked, glancing from her canvas at Peter. He had told her that Wade and him hadn't really talked about what they were yet and he had promised to bring it up but so far he hadn't.

Peter didn't answer but he pulled a face which clearly stated that he hadn't talked to Wade.

"Peter! You said you'd bring it up!", MJ groaned.

"I know!", Peter sighed, covering his face with his hands before he remembered that he wasn't supposed to move. " It's just- I feel like if he wanted that he would've mentioned it by now. What if he's just... I don't know, having fun? What if he doesn't want me like that?"

"You're being an idiot. He literally told you that he loves you. ", MJ argued but Peter wasn't convinced.

"Yeah, and maybe he did mean that but lately... He moved out, he's distancing himself from me, I feel like maybe he woke up one day and realized that I'm a gigantic wreck that isn't capable of leading a normal relationship but now he's too polite to break it off.", Peter admitted.

MJ sighed and put her brush down before looking at Peter in a way he didn't like at all. She looked sad. "You're not a gigantic wreck.", she said and Peter didn't believe a word she was saying.

"Yes I am, there's no point in denying it. ", he stated bluntly. It was the truth, he didn't care that it was. He was fucked. And he understood that not everyone was willing to put up with him.

MJ glared at him for a long moment before getting up from her seat and grabbing Peter's sweater that she then threw at his face.

"Okay, I've had enough of this. Put your clothes back on.", she ordered, already moving to the door of the studio.

"What?", Peter asked confused as he pulled on his sweater and stumbled after her.

"We're going over to his place now and I'll watch you two together and then I'll tell you if he's full of shit or if you're just being paranoid. ", MJ explained and her tone left no room to argue so Peter didn't. 

"Okay, FRIDAY? Tell Tony that MJ and I are going over to Wade's. "

~  
The traffic in NY was insane but Tony insisted that Peter wasn't supposed to use public transport. Too many people. Peter didn't complain. He also didn't complain about the wristwatch he couldn't take off which contained a tracker in case Peter got kidnapped a third time. He was just glad that he didn't need a baby sitter all day every day anymore so he put up with Tony's rules. 

This way it took them a while to get to Wade's apartment in a much more run down area of Manhattan.

Happy, Tony's head of security, a guy that generally didn't look happy at all, let them out in front of Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Children. Wade was friends with the owner of the bar and that's how he got the apartment above it. 

"He might not be home. I said we'd come later. ", Peter argued as they made their way inside. The stairs to the apartment where inside the bar but Peter visited Wade so often that he was pretty used to Sister Margeret's customers by now and since he 'belonged' to Wade nobody ever bothered him. 

"Shut up. He'll be here.", MJ stated but it didn't have her usual bite. She was too busy analysing the room. Peter realized that the rather sketchy crowd was stressing her out so he quickly led her to the back where the stairs were. 

"Hey Weasel, is Wade home?", Peter asked the barkeeper as he carried another box of bottles to the bar. 

"Yeah, he's upstairs twinky-boy.", the other man stated and Peter rolled with his eyes. 

"Fuck you!", he responded before pulling MJ upstairs. 

They knocked on the door and a couple seconds later it was pulled open by Wade. Peter had told MJ about the scaring that covered Wade's entire skin and he trusted her to not stare but he was still reliefed to see that she didn't even bat an eyelash when Wade faced them with a wide grin. "Petey! You're early!", he pointed out before opening his arms. 

Wade always only offered touch and waited for Peter to initiate it. He was good like that and he knew that Peter didn't like getting touched. Even now, even though he didn't care about what was done to him anymore, it still sometimes made Peter's skin crawl. The difference was that now Peter couldn't find the motivation to stop someone when they went too far. So it was good that Wade didn't. 

Peter leaned in and placed a quick kiss on Wade's lips before pulling back again. 

"And you must be MJ. The girl that kissed my man. Did you like it?", Wade asked with a grin and MJ smirked at that. 

"Not really. I'm gay. ", she pointed out with a shrug.

"And thank God for that. Come in, it's sorta messy here but it ain't my fault that you're early.", he explained as he led them into his apartment. 

As promised the living room was quite messy, with both weapons and pizza boxes spread around the whole room until it looked like the layer of an r-rated version of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. Peter didn't mind it, though. He spend so much time there that he had gotten used to Wade's chaos. Plus, it was nice to see what a space looked like when it was completely Wade's. His bedroom whenever he stayed with Peter's family had been pretty impersonal. This apartment screamed 'Wade'. The bulletholes in the walls, the record collection filled with Wham!, the Betty White poster on the wall anf the Voltron figurines on his coffee table. This place was Wade's and Peter loved it for that. That didn't mean that he wasn't bitter about Wade moving out.

He tried not to be. He really did. Peter was aware of how clingy and dependant he was. Wade had done enough for him and he deserved a little space. Still, Peter felt like he was loosing Wade and holding on tight didn't seem like an option.

Wade quickly put some of the trash into the kitchen so that the three of them could comfortably sit on the couch. 

Here's the thing, being with Wade was easy. Peter could spend hours stressing over the nature of their relationship, why he felt like Wade was keeping something from him, the endless dread that seemed to hang over him like a dark cloud. But once he was with Wade, he was fine, or as fine as Peter could manage to be. His worries were still there but they were muted. 

When he was with Wade he could just enjoy his presence and that's what they did. They enjoyed each others presence. MJ and Wade got along like a house on fire. With MJ's dry sense of humour, Wade's sharp wit and their combined knowledge of pop culture Peter didn't even need to act as a bridge between the two. He could just hang back and let them enjoy their conversation while Peter enjoyed Wade's arm that was wrapped around him and his strong shoulder that Peter leaned on. Things were good. 

A little later Wade put on some music and went to the kitchen to get them some chimichangas. He returned with two regular plates and one giant portion. That one was for Peter. 

"There's so many things that make sense now.", MJ mumbled as she watched Peter dig into his food. She was probably thinking back to their date and the ungodly amount of food he ordered.

"I told you that I had a fast metabolism.", Peter shrugged continuing to stuff his face with food even though it tasted like ashes. Not to say that Wade couldn't cook, he was quite decent. The problem was that everything tasted like nothing. That was the other change Peter had noticed. His super fast metabolism that normally left him hungry all the time... well, it was still there but his hunger wasn't. Peter didn't have an appetite in about 3 months. He still ate because he was expected to but he didn't need or want it anymore. He hadn't told anyone about that either because that was even more abnormal than the disinterest in his own wellbeing and Peter just didn't want to be a problem, not when things were sort of okay right now.

" No, I have a fast metabolism, you burn through calories like Alduin burned Helgen. ", MJ returned and Peter raised his eyebrows. 

" I don't know who that is.", He clarified and Wade smirked.

"Not really a who, baby-boy. Helgen is a town in Skyrim and Alduin is the dragon that destroys it.", Wade then explained kindly.

"Never heard of Skyrim.", Peter added launching both Wade and MJ into a long-winded explanation of what Skyrim, a videogame that Peter had never heard of, was. Once again he could just lean back and let his nerds run the show. He was content just listening to them.

They stayed a couple hours, watched a very bad slasher movie that inspired a discussion on why Peter and Wade didn't already become a horror-film-actors-duo.

"You would be great in a horror movie, you know. Like the exorcist. I bet they'd love to have someone who can crawl along the ceiling. It's your calling.", MJ suggested with a grin.

"That's what I've been telling him. We could star in horror movies together. I look awful and you are awful. ", Wade chuckled before lightly bumping his head against Peter's and his smile made Peter's heart flutter.

"Thanks, I appreciate that. ", Peter smirked sarcastically.

Then they played some Mario Kart, which Peter was very bad at, until around 11 pm when Peter noticed that Wade was so tired that he was seconds away from falling asleep on Peter's shoulder. Wade was tired a lot these days and he wouldn't tell Peter why. Maybe it was his job, maybe something else, Peter didn't know and that weighed heavy on him.

"Somebody's tired.", Peter pointed out, hoping that his smile didn't look too forced.

"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night, sorry. ",Wade yawned, stretching a bit and it would've been quite cute if he didn't say that every day.

"It's all good.", Peter said quickly and he caught MJ's eye as she raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe Peter should stay over and keep you company. ", she then suggested with a conspiratory grin. Peter gave Wade a look, curious too see what he would reply, but once he did Peter wondered what else he had expected.

"But who will bring you home then?", Wade asked and he sounded aggressively nonchalant. Sometimes Peter thought that maybe he wasn't crazy. Maybe Wade really was keeping something from him. That was one of those times.

"We'll let you sleep then. ", Peter said as he got up, his voice a little too sharp, his departure a little too sudden. Wade didn't stop him though. He just led Peter and MJ back to the door as if Peter wasn't clearly upset.

"Okay, wanna get lunch tomorrow?", Wade asked when Peter and MJ already stood in the doorframe.

"Yeah, sure. ", Peter shrugged. He couldn't bring himself to fake enthusiasm right now. Wade didn't notice the dead look in Peter's eyes or maybe he just pretended that he didn't. 

Instead he leaned in, offering a hug or a kiss. Whatever Peter wanted.

"Great, Love you.", he said and even though he was pissed off Peter still embraced Wade and gave him a quick kiss. Because the last time that they parted after a fight Peter almost died without confessing his feelings and he didn't want that kind of regret again.

"Love you, too. ", Peter said and he didn't know if he wanted Wade to notice how sad he sounded or not.

He stepped away and Wade closed the door and then it were only him and MJ. They stood like this for seconds, maybe minutes, MJ watching Peter, Peter staring at the spot on the door where Wade's face was just seconds ago. It always ended like this, with Wade shutting Peter out. Peter felt cold.

"You see what I mean now?", he asked quietly, eventually glancing over at MJ. Her expression looked worried. Peter didn't even need her to answer the question.

"Yeah, sorta.", She admitted with a sigh. "I mean, he still said that he loves you.", she tried but Peter wasn't convinced. He had told himself the same thing a thousand times. The words had lost their reassuring effect and had quickly turned meaningless.

"Those are just words. Just because you say something doesn't promise that you mean it.", Peter shrugged. The dread was back. It had never left. 

Peter didn't know if Wade loved him. 

All he knew was that something was wrong between them, that something was definitely wrong with Peter himself.

He had no idea how to fix any of it.


	2. The inner where nobody gets any sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a quick warning, I did include the Rape/non-con warning in this story and tagged it as extremely dubious consent because technically Wade is consenting but I still consider what Death does to him non-concentual because he doesn't really have a choice. 
> 
> That's why I'll mark parts where anything even mildly sexual happens between the two with this ** so that you can skip it if needed. 
> 
> I'll include a completely non-graphic summary of those parts in the bottom notes. The text itself will never be really graphic because I'm personally uncomfortable writing that but I still wanted to warn you.

"Those are just words. Just because you say something doesn't promise that you mean it.", Peter had said, thinking that Wade couldn't hear him, unaware that Wade still had his head leaned against his door.

It broke Wade's heart, how could it not? Of course he loved Peter, of course he wanted him to know that.

He knew that the distance that Wade had put between them was hurting Peter. But he couldn't spend the night with Peter, he'd never want to go to bed but he had to and imagining falling asleep next to Peter and waking up next to Death was too jarring and imagining waking up next to Peter after a night with Death was even worse.

Wade was a wreck in the mornings, guilt, shame and disgust at the things he did eating away at him. He wouldn't be able to keep it together in front of Peter, he'd break and tell him the truth and fuck everything up for Peter. He couldn't do that to him.

Peter was doing so great, he was doing better than anyone could've imagined and Wade wouldn't ruin that.

Wade's eyes fell on his unmade bed when he stepped into his bedroom. His chest tightened with panic as his boxes whispered in his ears, calling him all kinds of vile slurs.

It was time. He had to go to sleep, and in Wade's case that ment that he had to die.

~

Death had two rules. Rule one was not mentioning Peter or Vanessa. She was a jealous beast and liked to pretend that Wade chose to be with her.

That didn't mean that she couldn't bring them up to taunt Wade, which she did, thoroughly. Starting from the way she looked, usually either taking on Vanessa's or Peter's appearance, all the way down to their surroundings. They always meet in Wade and Vanessa's old bedroom.

This night she wore Peter's face. Wade didn't know which one he hated more, sleeping with his dead ex that he would never see again or cheating on his boyfriend with a copy of him while the real Peter couldn't bare to be touched in the ways that Death had Wade touch her.

 ****** Probably the latter. It filled him with disgust, every time he kissed Peter he saw fake-Peter on top of him, taking him apart until Wade was a shuddering mess.

God, Wade hated himself.

"Why so gloomy, love. Cheer up.", Death said, cupping Wade's face in her hands before leaning in an forcing her tongue down his throat. Wade didn't stop her, he didn't struggle, he wrapped his arms around her and tried to imagine that it was actually Peter. He knew he'd regret it later. Associating the two in his head never went well but it made coping in the moment easier.

When she pulled back he smiled at her like he would smile at the real Peter. "Better?", He asked and not-Peter's smile widened.

" Definitely. Now take your clothes off, I want to see your beautiful body.", not-Peter ordered and Wade obeyed. That was rule two. He wasn't allowed to say no, he wasn't allowed to struggle, what Death wanted Death got or she'd snap with her fingers and Peter would drop dead. So Wade didn't resist, it wasn't worth the risk.

Death sat down in an armchair and watched Wade undress with lustfull eyes. Peter never looked at Wade like this. Like he was a thing, a toy, like he was the predator and Wade was the prey. Thank god for that. Wade hated being looked at like that.  
  
"You're gorgeous...", Death grinned before waving Wade over to her.

He straddled her lap and let her eager hands run along his naked torso until she grabbed a hold of his neck and pulled him down into a bruising kiss once again.

Sometimes Wade wondered if he was actually in hell. It felt like it. Burning in an eternal fire didn't seem half as bad as having some one that looked like Peter force themselves on him.

But whenever it got too much he just imagined the real Peter, giving him gentle kisses, tucking himself against Wade's side. Peter wouldn't be cruel, he'd be gentle and lovely and he'd be worth it.

It was fine, he was fine, Peter's wellbeing was worth it all. ******

~

"Wade?", Domino's voice called. Wade wasn't sure how long she had been standing outside of his apartment, hammering against the door. He had woken up at some point but thus far he hadn't brought up the energy he needed to move. So he just stayed curled up in his bed, staring out the window as his body trembled. God, he was so exhausted.

"Wade! Open the door, I know you're in there.", Domino yelled and Wade flinched. It was okay though, nobody saw that.

_[We did, you pathetic piece of shit.]_

Yeah, there was no point in hiding from his voices but that didn't mean that he needed anyone else seeing him like this.

"GO AWAY!", He yelled back, his voice rougher than he expected. His eyes fell on the empty pill bottle on his nightstand that held the drugs he used to stop his own heart every night. He'd need to get new ones. Or he could just shoot himself again but that was always so messy.

A beat of silence followed than three loud thuds and then the door seemed to break open. Great.

"Here you are.", Domino stated, her voice coming from the doorframe of Wade's bedroom. He didn't bother to turn around to face her.

"You're trespassing.", he mumbled, still silently praying that she'd just leave him alone to bathe in his misery.

"I'm not. I'm looking out for a friend. Now get up, Weasel has a job for us. ", She replied, sounding stern yet sympathetic. It was such a juxtaposition to Death's harsh words and even harsher treatment that Wade felt the nearly overwhelming urge to cry. Instead of doing that he just pulled his blanket over his head which was almost just as undignified.

"Fuck off, I'm depressed.", He groaned.

Domino let out a sigh and dropped into a chair next to Wade's bed. "You're not depressed you feel guilty for fucking Death and not telling your boy about it. They're not the same."

_Oh, right, forgot to mention that she knows._

Wade hadn't necessarily chosen to tell Domino. It just so happened that they were on a mission that took longer than expected and they were trapped in some psychopaths layer but Wade really needed to sleep so he explained the whole situation to Dom so that she would kill him.

Wade let out a heavy groan before slowly turning onto his back until he came face to face with the woman. "Am I a cheater, Dom?", He asked sounding just as miserable as he felt.

"Not really. It's not like you want to sleep with that bitch, you don't really have a choice. Plus, as far as I know you two didn't have the talk yet so technically you aren't mutually exclusive.", She pointed out as if that wasn't part of Wade's desperate attempts to not be an absolute ass. If he wasn't Peter's boyfriend he couldn't cheat on him.

"What do you think why I'm avoiding the boyfriends talk? Being boyfriends would definitely make me a cheater.", He whined before pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes.

It would've been smarter to not tell Peter about his feelings. It would've been smarter to keep it all on the down low and reject Peter. Sure, he might been heartbroken for a while, he might've even distanced himself from Wade but eventually he would get over it and have the chance to fall in love again. This way he was trapping Peter in an uncertain, shitty, maybe-maybe-not-relationship. Wade was aware that he was being selfish, he still would rather have it this way.

"You're not as cheater. You're a good person stuck in a shit situation.", Domino said and Wade almost laughed at the idea of him being a good person.

_[Bullshit]_

_Agreed._

"But you are an asshole for not telling him about it. It's his life, shouldn't he know what the price for it was?", Domino than added but Wade shook his head.

"Nah, I don't want to do that to him.", He shrugged. He knew Peter would hate what Wade did. He'd feel responsible and guilty even if he wasn't. Wade also didn't know what Peter would do to himself if he found out and that scared Wade more than anything.

Dom didn't seem to like this answer. She frowned at Wade and pursed her lips. "Do that to him? The only one that I see who is getting something done to him are you. If your Loverboy can't handle the truth maybe he doesn't deserve you. "

Wade sat up straight at that. The idea that Peter didn't deserve Wade was outrageous to him. Wade still couldn't comprehend why Peter would choose him so the idea of not being with Peter was laughable.

"You don't know what he's like. It's not about how much he can handle. He can handle a lot. I just don't want to be another problem in his life. ", He tried to explain. He really needed to get these two to meet at some point so that Dom could get to know Peter the way he was.

"You'll have to tell him eventually.", Dom just stated stubbornly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Says who?', Wade asked, challenging her. Eventually she seemed to decide that this conversation wasn't leading anywhere, because it wasn't, and threw her hands in the air in defeat.

"Okay, this is a pointless, but you're almost up now, come on, we've got some bad guys to kill.", She said instead, getting to her feet and holding out a hand for Wade too.

"I can't, I'm grabbing lunch with Peter today.", Wade stated, not taking her hand and searching for his phone instead. In that moment his phone chimed from where it was hidden underneath his blankets and Dom got to it first, unlocking it and reading whatever message he got.

"No you're not, he just cancelled, now move your ass.", She then said, holding Wade's phone in front of his face. Wade quickly checked if that was true. Peter had texted him that something came up and that he'd call Wade in the evening. _Fucking great._

"Fine!", He groaned, grabbing Domino's hand that was still holding his phone and letting her pull him to his feet. Maybe killing some assholes would cheer him up.

~

Peter didn't sleep anymore. At least it didn't feel like sleep. He didn't get tired and he didn't feel rested afterwards. He just went to bed and when his mind shut off he found himself in the same dream. At least he thought it was a dream. It somehow felt more real while also making absolutely no sense.

In the dream he had no body, no name, no voice or thoughts. He wasn't anything but he still existed. Around him everything was dark, he floated in a sea of black and nothing had any meaning except for the voice, the only real tangible thing.

"You're an abomination. I crime against nature. I need you to remember that.", She'd say. "The dead shouldn't be alive."

That's all she ever said and Peter believed her, because what else was he supposed to do in a world where nothing was real but the voice.

Once he woke up he never knew what it ment. It didn't mean anything, right? It was just a dream...right?

Problem was that somehow these dreams had even more of a hold on him then his usual nightmares. They felt so real that Peter's real life felt like the dream. Sometimes Peter caught himself going about his life and thinking:"This isn't real, this isn't real, you're not here." Because Peter felt like he was still trapped in the black nothingness.

Maybe he was loosing his mind. That was the only logical conclusion there was. That after everything he had been through he was just...damaged beyond repair. Do crazy people know that they are crazy? Do they care. Peter didn't. He knew he should, his concern was purely rational but it was fake, he didn't care, that's why he didn't tell anyone, that's why he didn't do anything about it. He'd rather be insane than in pain.

The next morning he woke up to see MJ's face hovering above his. Her wild curls were hanging in her face and the light from the window gave her a halo.

"You talk in your sleep.", She stated before straightening up and sitting down at the foot of Peter's bed

"I do? What do I say?", Peter in asked, stretching a bit and sitting up as well.

"That you're dead.", MJ stated bluntly and Peter's heart skipped a beat. Well, so much for keeping his weird ass dreams on the down low.

"Asleep-me is a mood, I guess.", he shrugged with a smirk, trying to play it off. MJ didn't play along, though. She just watched him with her usual stony expression that Peter couldn't read.

"Are you okay?", She then asked and Peter hated how sincere she seemed, how concerned. Peter hated how everyone was always so fucking worried for him.

"Yeah, why shouldn't I be?", He asked, making an effort to sound nonchalant. He got up and started to change out of his pyjamas but he could still feel MJ's eyes on him.

"You were pretty upset yesterday.", She pointed out and Peter couldn't argue with that. He was still upset, upset was sort of his standard setting, but he didn't want to talk about this right now.

"It izz what it izz.", He sighed before attempting a smile that MJ saw right through.

"No, stop. Stop making fun of it, if it bothers you you need to talk to him. I haven't had a relationship thus far but movies taught me that communication is everything. ", she argued and of course Peter knew they she was right, he had seen movies, he knew how this was supposed to work. He was supposed to open up or else a bunch of misunderstandings would drive a wedge between Wade and him. That was easier said than done, though.

"I tried talking to him, he just wants to pretend that everything is fine, so I'll just do the same.", He explained before letting out a heavy sigh, hiding his face in his hands. "I gotta stop being so sensitive.", He mumbled more to himself than MJ.

Sometimes he wished that his apathy could encompass everything, that he could just stop worrying about everything. Of course that also came with not caring about anything which was something Peter didn't want so he didn't resort to calling up Natasha and asking her if she had some of those psychopaths drugs to spare. Sometimes it was tempting though. Peter was sick of this purgatory that he seemed to be trapped in, where he didn't care about most things but was still conscious enough to notice that that wasn't good while also lacking any motivation to do anything about it. He knew he should care, he knew he didn't.

"Stop making that face.", he told MJ after he couldn't bare her staring anymore. Sometimes he felt like he was made of glass an no matter how hard he tried to keep it together, everyone could see the cracks, everyone could look straight through him and see the shattered mess he was inside. With MJ he felt like she could always see him which was both a relief and a threat. He couldn't hide from her the way he used to be unable to hide from Gwen.

"What face?", she asked, still making that face. Oh, how Peter hated it.

"Your sad face. I don't like it when your face does that.", He replied gesturing towards her face.

MJ looked like she was about to say something else but then there was a hurried knock against the door and Tony asked from the other side:"Peter?"

"Come in!", Peter called out, glad to be interrupted. He didn't like where this conversation was going anyways.

When Tony came in he looked out of breath and frantic. Like he ran here in a hurry. His eyes were wide and excited.

"What's up?", Peter asked with a frown before noticing the phone that Tony was clutching in his hand

"Natasha called. Gwen wants to see you.", He explained with a smile and Peter's heart stopped. He was pretty sure that it did and he wasn't sure when it started beating again.

The thing was, a part of him had lost hope that she'd ever want to see him again. He wasn't sure what he had done, why she had banished him out of her life.

All he knew was that the last time he saw her face to face was when they both thought that he'd die. The last time he heard her speak was three months ago through a video. Ever since then the only information he received about her state was through Natasha who he didn't trust at all but had to because Gwen had chosen to trust her for some unknown reason.

As much as Peter hated it, Natasha had taken Gwen under her wing. She had overseen the entire month Gwen spend at SHIELD and afterwards Gwen had apparently moved in with Natasha so that Natasha could aid her ongoing recovery.

Peter talked to Natasha once a week and she'd update him on Gwen's state. He had to admit that Natasha seemed sincere in her attempts to help Gwen. Apparently she wasn't an emotionless psychopath. That didn't mean that he trusted her and as long as Gwen refused to speak to him personally he couldn't be sure that she wasn't just telling him bullshit.

But now he'd see her again and all of a sudden it seemed too much too soon but Peter couldn't say that, not when he had waited for this moment for so long. "When- when are we going?", He asked, his mouth had gone dry.

"As soon as you get dressed.", Tony replied.

This was happening. Gwen. Gwen. Gwen. It was really happening and Peter had no idea how to feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **-summary: Death tells Wade to cheer up and kisses him. Wade fakes a smile and tries to imagine that he's kissing Peter instead. Death tells him to undress and he does. They make out and Wade contemplates if he is in hell. He thinks about Peter and how he'd never treat him like this and comes to the conclusion that Peter is worth the pain.
> 
> Okay! Here you have chapter two. I promise this story isn't just gonna be tons of angst with nothing in between, I do have a plot planned that will set in motion next chapter but I just needed to take some time to establish where everyone is at emotionally. I hope you enjoyed it and leave a review! Your comments motivate me so much!
> 
> If you wanna chat or leave some requests for fun, angsty or fluffy one-shots, hit me up on Insta: @dead_cherry_bitch or Tumblr: dead-cherry-bitch


	3. The one where Peter and Gwen reunite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay... So first of all, sorry for falling off the face of the earth. I kinda hit a writing block with this story but I never planned on giving up on it. I just needed a little time away to work on some other things. If there is any criminal minds fans here, I started writing 2 criminal minds fanfics in the meantime. But I'm back! And I definitely still have a lot planned for Peter, Wade and the rest!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and leave a comment!

"Peter, are you okay?", Tony asked, pulling Peter out of his own mind and back into the car. He had no idea where he had been the last fifteen minutes but it hadn't been in the present.

"Yes of course, why are you asking?", he asked and Tony gave him an unconvinced look.

"Because you're practically vibrating.", he pointed out and Peter realized that he was, in fact, trembling. 

He forced his body to relax and stop shaking. "Sorry. I'll stop.", He mumbled before looking out the window again.

"I didn't mean that it was bothering me, I'm just concerned for you.", Tony sighed. Peter didn't look at him. He didn't want to see the worry. 

"What if she hates me?", he then asked and Tony groaned. 

"Peter we've been over this, why would she hate you?", he asked and Peter was aware that they had talked this through dozens of times but he couldn't help but to feel the dread.

"I don't know! Why else would she shut me out for months?! Maybe it's something that HYDRA did to her or maybe she's just now coming to her senses and realizing that she hates me for ripping her apart in the first place. ", he snapped, turning around to face his father again. He was met by the exact look that he despised so much. Concern and pity.

"Well, she did sort of return the favour on that one.", Tony shrugged and Peter couldn't help but to roll with his eyes.

"Oh please, compared to what I did to her I was barely hurt. ", he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and continuing to stare out the window. He knew that his behaviour was unreasonable. After all, Gwen would probably not meet with him if she hated him but being reasonable wasn't exactly one of Peter's strengths.

"My point is that I there is no way that she hates you. ", Tony said, trying to reassure Peter but Peter didn't want to hear it. He had no idea what he even wanted. Noting made sense to him anymore.

"We'll see about that.", he whispered, leaning his head against the window.

~

Natasha opened the door to her apartment and Peter didn't wait for an invitation to step in, pushing past her immediately. "Where is she-", he asked, looking around the empty living room.

"And hello to you, too, Peter.", Natasha greeted him, a sarcastic tone to her voice. 

Peter waved her off. "Yeah, hello, whatever, I wanna see-", the rest of his sentence died in his throat when another door opened. 

"Peter. ", Gwen said, her tone careful, her smile hesitant and Peter might burst. He wasn't sure what he was feeling, if it was positive or negative but it was definitely a lot. 

"Gwen.", He whispered, his voice suddenly raw. He couldn't say anything else, all he could do was stare. 

"I think we should leave these two to themselves. ", Tony mumbled and Peter vaguely registered that Natasha and Tony left for the kitchen.

"You look great. ", Gwen said, sounding unsure. It was enough to pull Peter out of his paralyzed state. 

"Right back at you.", He laughed breathlessly. It sounded a bit hysteric. It wasn't a lie, though. Gwen looked much better then the last time he had seen her. She wasn't as meager, as sickly looking, she was dressed in clothes that seemed to be her own. Her hair was shorter but it was obvious that it had been a professional haircut and not the result of someone just going at her hair with a pair of kitchen scissors. She looked good, healthy. Even though he had wanted to believe that Natasha was helping her, he never really had, until now.

"Are you-", Gwen started to ask at the same time as Peter asked:"Why didn't-"

They both stopped, smiling nervously. Peter couldn't take this tension. It was so unnatural.

"Sorry, you first. ", He said and Gwen chewed on her lip for a moment before taking a careful step forward. 

"Are you okay, are you-", she then asked and Peter didn't even let her finish.

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm fine.", He said too quickly and he knew that she noticed it, too but decided to not press Peter about it. Not immediately at least.

"This is weird, isn't it?", She then asked, another careful smile on her lips.

"Yeah...", Peter sighed, running his hands through his hair and pulling a little at it. He barely felt it. Things weren't supposed to be weird between Gwen and him, they never had been. 

"Gwen, why-",he started to ask but he didn't know how to finish that question. Or he did but he just couldn't.

"-did I ignore you for 3 months?", Gwen finished and Peter would be lying if he said that it didn't ache to hear that she had been consciously ignoring him.

"Yeah.", He nodded glancing up at her. 

Gwen looked frustrated and guilty and Peter didn't know what to do with that. She let out a heavy sigh and sat down on the couch next to them and Peter followed. 

"Okay... Let me start out by saying that I'm sorry and that it wasn't your fault.", She started, not looking at Peter, directing her words towards the floor instead.

"Oh it wasn't?",Peter asked and he didn't mean to sound so bitter. Until now he hadn't even noticed that he was bitter at all. But apparently he was. Bitter and a little pissed off.

"No, Peter-", Gwen immediately protested, turning towards Peter to reach for his face. Then Peter did something that he couldn't even explain to himself.

He _flinched_.

Gwen froze, pulling her hand back. This had never happened before, not with Gwen.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare-", she started to apologize but Peter couldn't take it. He wasn't scared! _Not of Gwen! He couldn't be!_

"You didn't!",he insisted but he could tell that Gwen wasn't convinced. "You really didn't! I don't know why I flinched."

Maybe Gwen could tell that Peter was freaking out but her consolation didn't really help: "Hey, it's okay, I nearly killed you. I'm not gonna judge you for being a bit skittish around me."

Yeah, but Peter judged himself for it. Honestly, he didn't have the right, not after he had done the same thing to her. And not after he spend three months begging her to give him some attention. He was being ridiculous.

"Whatever. Why did you ignore me then, if it wasn't me. I mean... It's been three months.", he went on, and again, he sounded way sharper then intended but at this point he'd rather come off as pissed then scared.

Gwen stared at him for a moment longer, probably considering if she should go along with the topic change. Eventually she let out another sigh and sagged in her seat. "At first I couldn't risk being around you as long as the programming was still there and after SHIELD got rid of it... I just couldn't face you. ", She admitted and Peter's eyebrows formed into a deep frown.

"Why?", he asked and Gwen looked at him as if the answer to that question was obvious.

"Peter. I- kidnapped you, I brought you back to Keipon. I could've killed you. If you hadn't pulled me out of it- if W- if Tony hadn't gotten the collar off- you'd be dead. And your blood would be on my hands.", She explained, her voice starting to crack. Peter knew all of this. He had been there, after all. He didn't see how any of that mattered, though.

"None of that was your fault, though. I told you that, didn't I? I told you that I didn't blame you. ", He argued and when Gwen looked at him again she looked devastated and Peter knew that it was because of him. It was heartbreaking.

"Yeah but I blame myself. ", She confessed, her voice suddenly faint, her eyes glassy. She took a shaky breath and forced the tears down. "I close my eyes and I see you, beat up, choking on your own blood, struggling for every breath, you're dying and it's my fault. "

Her eyes drifted to the floor, they were filled with so much guilt and horror and it tore Peter up inside. 

"Hey, look at me,", Peter asked her but she wouldn't meet his eyes so he slipped off the couch and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands into his and waiting for her to look at him "Gwen, look at me. I'm right here, I'm fine. Here, you feel this?", He reassured her before moving one of her hands to his wrist and guiding her fingers to his veins where she could feel his strong and steady pulse. 

"This is my pulse. I'm alive. Because you didn't break, not completely. You snapped out of it, you were stronger than them. ", He insisted. 

Gwen looked down at him, still pained, still guilt ridden. She was reluctant but Peter could tell that she was slowly giving in. 

Then, finally she let out a shaky sigh and a single tear trailed down her cheek as she smiled. "You know that I love you, right? You know that everything I said before they activated me was real.", She asked and it was like she was pleading Peter to believe her, not that it was necessary. She squeezed his hands in hers, her skin was so much warmer than his. 

"I know, okay? I know. I love you, too Gwen.", He returned and she let go of his hands, pushing them aside to wrap her arms around him instead. 

It didn't matter that he lost his balance and send them both falling to the floor. It didn't matter that they hadn't seen each other in months. And it didn't matter that moments before he had flinched away from her touch.

Gwen was back in his arms and Peter was okay. Everything would be okay.

~

"How's she doing?", Tony asked. Natasha and him had removed themselves from Peter's and Gwen's reunion, going to the kitchen to give the two some space. Natasha had made them both a coffee. 

Their relationship still hadn't recovered from Natasha's betrayal last year but it was slowly on the mend. Tony could tell that Natasha genuinely cared for Gwen and that was a good start.

"Pretty good all things considered. I mean, it's rough, everyday is a new battle but I'm sure you know that yourself. ", Natasha sighed. She looked tired but happy. Tony was sure that they both did. There was a very unique sort of pain but also joy that came with taking care of a kid. 

"Yeah, I do. It's worth it, though.", he nodded before taking a sip of his coffee. It was delicious. Natasha somehow always made the best coffee. Tony was quite surprised when he realized despite of how angry he was with her, he had missed Natasha. They used to be so close, it was no wonder that she left a hole in his life. 

Natasha smiled and Tony knew that she was genuine. "Definitely. She's amazing. They both are. The things these kids went through... I thought the Red Room had messed me up but HYDRA is a completely different beast. And somehow...", Her voice trailed off but Tony knew what she was talking about.

"... they're here.", He finished. It still seemed unbelievable to Tony, how they could've gone through all that and still come out on the other side. Tony wasn't a believer in any way, shape or form. He liked facts. But Peter's survival bordered on a miracle. 

"Yeah. How is Peter? ", Natasha asked. It wasn't the first time, she checked in on Peter regularly even if Peter didn't want to know anything about that. Her concern extended to him as well. 

"Same old. Same old. I'm not allowed to say anything else because he can probably hear us, in fact, they both can. ", Tony pointed out with a smirk.

"That's right!", Peter yelled from the other room before opening the door to the kitchen. Tony had gotten used to Peter's superhearing by now. 

"Gwen was just telling me that you're in fact, not awful.", Peter said turning to Natasha. He was holding Gwen's hand in his. It was good to see that they had made up. Tony wasn't sure how badly it would've effected Peter if they hadn't.

"Well, I try my best.", Natasha nodded and to Tony surprise she seemed a little nervous. Like she didn't want to say the wrong thing. Like she wanted Peter to like her, which was a new look on Natasha. She normally didn't care what people thought of her.

"And I'm thankful for that. Really. Thank you for taking care of her. ", Peter told her and Tony knew that he was being genuine. Peter let go of Gwen's hand and pulled her to his side instead, where he smiled down at her. 

It was good to see them both so happy. It made Tony feel like maybe everything would work out.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay that took a couple of days longer than expected, I was busy working on my portfolio, sorry. But I hope that you enjoyed this first chapter of our sequel! Tell me about it in the comments! 
> 
> If you wanna chat or leave some requests for fun, angsty or fluffy one-shots, hit me up on Insta: @dead_cherry_bitch or Tumblr: dead-cherry-bitch


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